knots and crosses

How do you function when your heart is somewhere else, I don't know oh just 3 more weeks. It's not that hard. Right, yes, right? I pick up my pen but the ink flows away seeps into my page and becomes a messy blotch on my paper a smear on the side of my paper-thin skin a fragile feathered thing that's just..waiting. My heels are oiled my shoes are worn but I'm slipping down this slippery hill and I can't stop. It looks dark and cold yet strangely inviting at the bottom. a safe cradle a peaceful haven away from duplicity insincerity. i feel cut off from the world i thought i understood. always an outsider an oddball by choice so this should not surprise anymore.

a messed up page a jumble of knots in my heart and sometimes the line stretches oh so thin you think it'd surely just

break.

someday i'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday.

can you wait forever if time is all it takes

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep
go the horns in the cars in the street
we walked away from the lover's leap
opposite directions
synchronised feet

wait wait wait wait wait wait wait
for the time it takes a heart to mend a break
how many moons are reflected in the lake
can you wait forever if time is all it takes
despite all the warnings
I landed like
a fallen star
in your arms

beat beat beat beat beat beat beat
goes my heart on the side of my sleeve
whispering something I can hardly believe
"let me take the lead
cos love is all we need"

a plea

Dear Mr. Technology,

any hurt or distress I caused you in the past was purely unintentional. I'm not sure how I wronged you but if I did in any way, please accept my humble apologies. I want to let you know that I need you in my life. You are so important to me that I cannot afford to lose you, or bear the tantrums that you've been throwing at me of late. I promise to treat every part of you as best as I possibly can, and that I will never take you for granted anymore.

your humble servant,
Kerrie

heart to steel

It's time to put on the battle armour again. No longer taking any bullshit from anyone.

Being the nice girl is boring, and really, not worth the time or effort. Sometimes getting things done your way may mean that certain insignificant things may get crushed under your heel. But it's sure as hell worth it.

The best part about this?

It's going to be fun.

I know it's not even supposed to hurt this much, sticks and stones and everything right?

doubting

I think waiting can be the most excruciating thing ever. Hopes are raised and expectations can be dashed. You're vulnerable in the expectation. And irrational, and doubting, and still, fervently wishing and hoping all at once.

A crisis of doubt. Doubt is normal, natural, and can even be a positive thing. The trick is not to let it consume you, or to let yourself indulge in it, the non-action, the passivity it brings when the mind is whirring and the body is in limbo. Because it can get so seductive and so, so easy. You won't ever get rid of the inertia again.

How do you ever really, really feel connected to someone? Is there a way to be sure it's not just a figment of your imagination?

If I had to write the most unromantic poem ever, it will be entitled 'The Incompatibility of Timezones'.

the idea seduces -
it stands like a temptress, beckoning
with her slender finger tipped with red
crooked like a bow
drawing him to her possibilities

he falls at her kness

like a choir boy at the pulpit
dreaming of salvation
the posture of supplication.
but his prayers reached no one
for he was still bound -
tethered to his dreams
that could not set him free.

run, running all the time

Been treading water for the longest time but it seems as though one more wave is all it takes to make me slip past the surface, down into the murky depths below.
Several realisations:
Problems don't really go away if you don't deal with them properly. Even if they've not resurfaced for years. They WILL come back.
I've always felt I can deal with anything, overcome anything. But when it comes to that ONE thing. My courage falters. It's like an old wound, skin peeled back, raw and exposed and all your vulnerabilities are concentrated at that one spot. How familiar some words are, how hurtful they can still be even after so long. The urge to make a run for it because I've fought this once, twice, so many times before and lost. And wonder if I'm making too big a deal out of this. Maybe it's all in my head but the hurt is too real, and too close for comfort..and I hate it. I do not want to fall back into the hole that took me so long to claw my way out of. I don't believe I can be reduced to that state again. But I'm shrouded in this darkness now, and
I can't see my way out. Not tonight, not yet.

mad rush

A whole bunch of assignments, meetings, events, appointments -- and here we are at the end of another week.
I can't say this enough, time is positively flying by. You always think to yourself 'It's so far off, I'll never get there'. But you know what? The thing is, you will. (duh.) Just not quite as slow as you imagined it to be. Going back to school requires a whole readjustment of thinking. Have to get used to switching between paradigms again.
But it's been pretty fun too. Maybe its because sometimes I can be a little negative about people - so much so that when I discover real gems that have been around me all along, I'm surprised; and then surprised that I'm surprised. Sometimes I can get so stressed up that I forget how it's like to actually let my hair down for a moment and laugh like crazy. And then just at the right moments there are those sweethearts who will remind me from time to time.
It has been a stressful period though, I've to admit. The real world presses in and the only way is to keep my chin up and deal with it head on. My baby has been constantly a pillar of support and my little oasis. A little bit of truth that I hang on to when the waves of doubt grow immense and threaten to wash me away.
And yes I've questioned this as well. How do you know when something is true? How do you read and interpret the signs that can be so deceptive and confounding sometimes? I think at long last, I know my heart enough to be sure of certain things, and have a certain confidence that it has been leading me in the right direction all along. So I trust its voice. And right now it's telling me, he's not simply a star in your sky, he's a pocket universe full of stars. And that's gotta be something right?

runaway with me

Ask me to runaway
with you
Ask me again
this time I'll say yes
It would be like
breathing out
coming home
letting go
It would be like
heaven
a truce
dreamless slumber
Would you?
Would you ask me again?